Oprah’s secret to life, happiness, and the pursuit of excessive extravagance

Oprah, everyone's favorite giveaway queen, recently gave the commencement address to a rapt group of graduates at Duke University. Her speech focused on what she knows best, the secrets and joys of success.

Oprah, who never pumps her own gas and employs a serf whose sole job is to encase her pudgy feet in tight-fitting designer foot wear, told her student audience that the secret to life is to "Trust your gut and stand in your own shoes and you will be a huge success". We couldn't help note the irony in this statement.

What other pearls of wisdom will the grads be dwelling on? Buckle your seat belts.

• "If you can find a way to give back, you will be a huge success…"
• "If you can summon courage in the face of hardships, I know for sure that you will be a huge success…"
• "If you can see the possibilities of what you can become and not just what you are, you will be a huge success…"
• "If you can go through life with humility, you will be a huge success…"
• "If you can stand in your own shoes, you will be a huge success…"
• "If you can be generous enough to say kind, affirming words to those that long to hear them, you will be a huge success."

Confucious's legacy certainly isn't in any danger of being overshadowed by these unpolished gems.

Then, she revealed her golden nugget.

"It’s great to have a nice home. It’s great to have nice homes! It’s great to have a nice home that just escaped the fire in Santa Barbara," she said. "It’s great to have a private jet. Anyone that tells you that having your own private jet isn’t great is lying to you."

The secret to happiness ... is a mansion and a lear jet? Humble indeed.

Her personal joy-ride is a $42 million custom-built Global Express XRS built by Bombardier Aerospace.

Wow, the queen of "free" extolling the virtues of extreme materialism to her flock. We can't fault the woman for being honest. She didn't lie to her followers and tell them she doesn't need multiple Versailles-scale homes and extravagant transportation. She isn't trying to distance herself from her wealth and obvious need to flaunt her success ... But, c'mon, how does an inflated ego and a cosmically gigantic financial portfolio translate into an Honorary Doctor of Humane Letters degree from Duke University?

In reality, Oprah's comments may have become the saving grace of the flailing private jet industry. Rich people no longer have to pretend to eschew the extravagances of their luck or inheritance or larceny ... If Oprah can fly private, so too can they.

On behalf of the private jet industry and all the filthy rich people who have the disposable income to afford a $40 million personal aerial transport, "Thank you, Oprah!"